At This Week's Ask Us Anything...

Balancing Agency With Peace

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Q: My mother-in-law lives with us. Recently, we have noticed some additional cognitive decline. We are starting to consider the possibility that we may not be able to care for her in our home indefinitely. She’s in a good place emotionally, and I’m a little worried that showing her some facilities may make her anxious. But I would also like her to have the opportunity to communicate her preferences while she is still able. We are wondering if it would be helpful to start looking at facilities now (even though the “if” and “when” the facility would be needed are unknowns) and if so, should we have her tour these places with us?

A: Great question and, as with so many questions about aging, illness and end-of-life, the answer is not always straight forward. You are balancing so many factors – wanting to be prepared for an unpredictable future and not wanting to cause your mother-in-law unnecessary stress while honoring her preferences. You are trying to consider everyone’s needs and limitations, including your own, which is no small task.

Let’s break it down.