At This Week's Ask Us Anything...
Is slow or never ok?
Need help now? Have a pressing question? Bring your unique challenges to our LIVE, WEEKLY "Ask Us Anything" support group for Aging, Illness & End-of-Life, and/or our “Peer Support for Death Workers” (both on Zoom).
Q: My dad is sick and has a lot of needs. I make many suggestions, including bringing in some paid help, hiring someone to take care of the lawn and signing up for Meals-On-Wheels. While he’ll readily agree that these are helpful ideas, he’s so slow at following through and putting anything in place. Often, he won’t follow through at all. I’m frustrated and at a loss. Do you have any suggestions for how I can help get these solutions in place faster?
A: I can really empathize with your frustration. As caregivers, we can often see all the things that need attention and their respective solutions. It can be so overwhelming when someone is resistant to solving their problems with what seems to be an easy solve. This place you are in is common and difficult.
What can we do?
Here are a couple of conversation angles we can try:
Sometimes it is helpful to discuss the “why”. For example, “Dad, I notice that you said getting someone to mow the lawn was a great idea, but you haven’t hired someone yet. Is there something that is keeping you from hiring someone?”. We may discover that our loved one is confused how to find someone and doesn’t want to ask for help. Or maybe they heard a rumor that professional lawn care people mow lawns too long and he likes his lawn cut shorter. Whatever the reason, more information can help us clarify the solution.
Sometimes it is helpful to speak from our experience. For example, “Dad, I notice that you haven’t hired someone to mow the lawn yet. I know you struggle asking for paid help and I get it. But as much as I like to help you with yard work, it is becoming overwhelming to me. I’m struggling to keep up with my own lawn”. It can be helpful to communicate our own needs and limitations as caregivers.
What if the conversation goes nowhere?
Even the most deliberate, well-thought out, logical conversations fail. Then what? Then we let the lawn get long and get to it when we can, after we take care of our own. And we realize the hard truth that many of their needs, many of the things that we are trying so desperately to fix, aren’t critical. These situations are so consuming at baseline. We don’t need to add to our frustrations by hyper-focusing on things that are truly small in the big picture of aging, illness and end-of-life. We can try to help, we can have the conversations, but at the end of thenday, we can often only control our own boundaries and limitations. We do our due diligence and then we let go. Over and over. And we let them do a lot of things on their own time, even if it is at a snail’s pace.
When slow or never isn’t acceptable…
That said, there are a couple of things that can come up during this time that we not let go of and insist that they are addressed sooner rather than later.
If someone has not completed their Financial Power of Attorney, Medical Power of Attorney and Advance Directive, these should be completed as soon as possible. Whatever it takes – insist, yell, drag them kicking and screaming to the lawyer’s office. Pull out all tricks and dig deep until this paperwork is complete. Failure to have these documents complete before a crisis hits can be detrimental to all involved.
If someone is not taking care of their basic needs (food, safety, etc.) to our standards, it is important to determine if they are cognitively competent to manage these needs for themselves. If someone is cognitively competent, but wants to only eat potato chips and chocolate bars all day long or not get their lawn mowed…well, that’s a “let go” situation for us. But if they are beginning a cognitive decline and are eating this way because they can no longer manage their food situation, then we should step in. The first step is to make sure that you are listed as someone their physician can talk to and share information with. And then request that their primary care physician compete a cognitive exam.
A lot of end-of-life is overwhelming and frustrating. The key is knowing when to let go and when to persist. In our grief from witnessing a decline of a loved one and our own need to control, we can often forget that. Aside from a few items, slow or never is ok - even if it is uncomfortable for us to witness.