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What If a Friend Would Be Better Choice...
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Q: I am getting my affairs in order, including my financial and medical power of attorney (POA) and my advance directive. I know that it is possible to designate more than one person, and ideally, I would like to designate my good friend and my daughter. However, my daughter would like me to just designate her because having more than one person in that position may “muddy the waters”. If I were to only pick one person, I would prefer to pick my friend. My daughter has a lot on her plate and is often unavailable for communication. How do I become more comfortable with this decision and communicate it to her in a compassionate way?
A: First of all, congratulations on taking this big step of getting this paperwork complete. You are making life so much easier down the road for those you care about and who will likely be caring for you.
For review:
Financial POA: the document that designates a person that you choose to manage your finances when you are no longer able.
Medical POA: the document that designates a person that you choose to manage your medical decisions when you are no longer able.
Advance Directive: a written statement of your wishes regarding medical treatment, should you be unable to communicate them to a doctor.
Who should I pick?
You can choose anyone to be your financial or medical POA. The same person can be designated as both or it can be two different people. Two people can be designated as co-agents in each document if you choose (i.e. you can have multiple financial power of attorneys and multiple medical power of attorneys). You are correct - open and accessible communication is an important part these roles. You should be able to communicate your wishes that you identified in your advance directive to your medical POA, for example.
Your daughter is also correct. Having co-agents can complicate decisions. It sounds like you have made your decision to designate one person as your medical POA and that person is your friend.
How do you have the conversation with your daughter?
Start with a statement of love and appreciation: “I love you and it means a lot to me that you are willing to be there in such a helpful way.”
Explain your reasoning: “It’s important that the person I choose for this role is available for communication and real-time decision making. I know that you have such a busy life and sometimes communication can be difficult. I don’t want to put this added pressure on you when I have another option.”
Offer a meaningful role: “I still really value your input and want you to be a part of any important decisions.”
Once your daughter has been informed of your decision, the next step may be to arrange a time for you, your daughter and your friend to talk. This may allow the opportunity for concerns to be addressed before a crisis and put everyone more at ease.
Designating a power of attorney is hard, but having conversations about it can be even harder. Direct and transparent discussions can alleviate fears and help assure that everyone has a clear understanding of who will be making your decisions if you are unable and that your wishes will be followed.
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